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pieman
Registered: Mar 2013
Posts: 2532 - Threads: 4
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I'm tempted to take the LZ route and shank the lot pre-emptively just to be certain, pretty sure that would win me some respect. Or maybe a lifetime in Broadmoor, so on second thoughts...
Carl looks like he belongs in a Saxon tribute band, but also has in my opinion 'dirty pedo nonce' writ large over his wizened mug. A candidate, for certain.
Jobe looks like he couldn't find his arse with two hands and is too thick to even figure out how to get out of bed in the morning, so I'll just shake him down for a bit of spice or a few Veras and let him go about his business.
Lee - Needs shanking for his beard alone.
Ian definitely has something of the beast about him, could also be a timid-accountant-turned-murderer tho, another candidate.
Martin - Scally thug, looks charming but could turn on a sixpence. Probably an armed robber, definitely no noncery here tho.
Simon - Trying too hard to look like Dan Warb, obviously likes the high life, or at least pretending to on Instagram. Not a sick beast, but might shank for his dumb haircut tho.
So between Ian and Carl, I'm going to plump for Carl as he looks a little more detached from reality.
TL;DR - Carl gets it
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 06-08-2018 14:07 PM |
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Guile
A magnificent animal of a man
Registered: Sep 2001
Posts: 2659 - Threads: 68
Location: A wretched hive of scum and villainy
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Criminal Anthropology Simulation Master Class
Difficulty level:2
Welcome to H.M.P. HaFa Towers
Have you got what it takes to rise like the scum you are to the top of the rancid pool that is H.M.P. Hafa Towers?
Let's find out.
KING CON
You have decided to establish a reputation for yourself as the meanest mother fucker in the mother fucking place. You've decided to start your campaign to be the top dog by showing the whole jail your true colours.
By audaciously and fearlessly shanking up a real monster, while putting two fingers up to the authorities.
Let everyone know there will NEVER be any pedo's on your watch.
Problem: you're so new you don't know who the fuck is who, but you know you can ALWAYS rely on your Criminal Anthropology skills to see you through.
You purloin a knife from the kitchens easy enough and blag your way into the Vulnerable Persons wing.
You only have time to shank ONE of the Rule 43 freaks and get out again before the screws come and put the whole place on lock down.
Let's see how our convicts did...
Ready?
Well, let's play:
KING CON
CARL MURRAY
HID HIS EVIL BEHIND A FACADE OF RELIGIOUS HYPOCRISY
A CHURCH-GOING GOD-BOTHERING PEDO-NONCE
PEDDLED HIS SICK FILTH AROUND THE WORLD
BOUGHT AND SOLD PICTURES OF THE VERY WORST CATEGORY
A MAJOR TRADER IN MISERY AND THE DEGRADATION OF CHILDREN
EVIL TO THE CORE
JOBE MORRIS
JAILED FOR HARRASMENT AND INDECENT EXPOSURE - URINATED ON THE FRONT DOOR AND OVER THE WINDOWS OF HIS VICTIMS HOME IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
HE STALKED A LOCAL WOMAN PURELY BECAUSE OF THE FEAR HE CAUSED HER
SHE WOULD GIVE HIM MONEY FOR FAGS AND BOOZE TO STOP HIM SHOUTING OBSCENITIES AND NAZI SLOGANS IN THE FACE OF HER 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
A FAILED BOXER AND PATHETIC DRUNKEN BULLY
DO ANYTHING FOR SPICE
LEE ROBERTS
AN UNUTTERABLE FOUL DISGUSTING PEDO NONCE
ACTUALLY SET UP FILM STUDIOS
DIRECTED MOVIES OF THE WORST CATEGORY WITH CHILDREN IN FOR DISTRIBUTION AROUND THE WORLD
THE CRIMES HE COMMITTED ARE UNSPEAKABLE
IAN JAMES CLARKE
WHILST SERVING AS A POLICEMAN HE WAS ALSO A RAPIST
A SEX MONSTER AND A COP
THOUGHT HE WAS IRRESISTIBLE TO THE LADIES, SO HE RAPES THEM
THE REAL BULLS-EYE!
MARTIN TATE
CONVICTED FOR ASSAULT
AND
ALSO A FUCKING SNITCH
GIVES IT ALL THE BILLY BIG BOLLOCKS ACTING THE FUCKING HARD MAN ON THE OUTSIDE, CRUMBLES LIKE A DIGESTIVE BISCUIT ON ARREST AND BUBBLES UP EVERYONE HE KNOWS AND SHITS HIMSELF IN JAIL
THE ORIGINAL STOOL PIGEON
"snitches get stitches"
SIMON REY
FRAUDSTER
YOUR TYPICAL WHITE COLLAR SNOWFLAKE
JUMPED BAIL AND RAN AWAY TO SPAIN WHERE HE POSTED GLAMOROUS SELFIES ON FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM
VAPID PATHETIC CREEP
HASN'T STOPPED TREMBLING AND CRYING SINCE GETTING ON THE WING
RUMOURED TO PISS THE BED
Let's see what our convicts made of these Rule 43 misfits and horrors.
WYKAH
This is what it's all about.
Sound, peer reviewed scientific facts about physical signifiers of criminal intent as the foundation and then acting on gut instinct with a lightning fast accurate judgement he joined up the dots.
Completely Infallible.
It's when the Criminal Anthropologist overthinks things he goes astray.
Wykah of course missed the real prize, but fair play the canny ex-copper rapist IAN was hiding behind the beast LEE.
The beast LEE "took his eye off the ball" for just a moment. Something ex-copper rapist IAN knew he could never do again as long as he lived, knowledge gained from his time as a copper.
Quote:
| Overheard in the Gym by the weight bench
Wykah, he walked in cool as you like onto the wing and goes straight over to Roberts you know that pedo, the evil Harvey Wankstain wannabe and sez "what's the matter with your eye?"
Roberts smelling trouble goes all like "it's nothing, it's nothing, it's just a boss eye"
Then Wykah roars "I'm the fucking boss round here you twat!"
and slams the beast flat on the table with this big fuck off kitchen knife against his eye. Then Wykah starts singing.
The fucking Eagles of all things.
"You can't hide your pedo eyes,
and your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realise
You can't hide your pedo eyes"
Then the blokes eye came RIGHT OUT! The shrieking was awful. Not that much blood either. The eye was like a boiled egg on the floor, looking this way and that. Swear down!
Then Wykah squashed it with his boot and it just popped.
RESPECT!
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QUIN.
Perhaps allowed his humanitarian nature to override his gut instincts and ignored all the scientific tells and physical indicators that identified sick twat CARL as a beast.
[The dead fish eyes, the unkempt hair, the straggly beard, the attached earlobes. Sick twat CARL has probably got an elongated coccyx with tufts of hair on it he's such a monster.]
Spotted that dickhead JOBE was a complete April Fool [tool] and a bully.
Quin. KNEW that the beast LEE was a wrong un but allowed his brain to override instinct and training. Let's hope he doesn't make that mistake again!
Quin. smelt the fear on ex-copper rapist IAN but the wily monster pulled off that scared rabbit in the headlights look yet again, obviously something he has been practising.
the snitch MARTIN and piss bed SIMON he correctly spotted as wallies and hobbits, credit is due there.
In summary he recognised that dickhead JOBE with his round football head, his weak chin and scrubby bum fluff beard was a BEAST.
Just a shame he didn't listen to what his gut told him and shanked up the beast LEE as he had originally considered.
Quote:
| Overheard in the game room by the table tennis table
So Quin. had a knife from the kitchen and somehow got into the Pedo ward. Jobe knew he had come for him and he got up and tried to back away flapping his hands but Quin. said "Get over here" like he was Scorpion in Mortal Kombat.
Fair play Jobe came over on his toes and actually put a few slaps to Quin., dancing around him like Muhammed Ali but Quin. just rolled with it, then suddenly grabs Jobe's right hand, quick as you like, slams it on the table and pins the fucking thing down with his blade.
"Let's see you dance around now you fucking beast" Quin said and proceeded to beat the granny out of Jobe. It was funny as fuck.
RESPECT!
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SPACE
This is what it's all about.
Sound, peer reviewed scientific facts about physical signifiers of criminal intent as the foundation and then utilising it as gut instinct to enable a lightning strike accurate judgement. Completely Infallible.
It's when the Criminal Anthropologist overthinks things he goes astray.
Space is new to the class but he has obviously done his homework.
Congratulations Space!
Quote:
| Overheard in the Gym by the rowing machine
Space, he walked in cool as you like onto V.P. where all the cucumbers are kept and goes over to Roberts you know that pedo, the Harvey Wankstain wannabe and said "what's the matter with your eye?"
Roberts smelling trouble goes all like "it's nothing, it's nothing, it's just a boss eye"
Then Space roars "I'm the fucking boss round here you twat!" and slams the beast flat on the table with this big fuck off kitchen knife against his eye.
Then Space starts singing. I know! Crystal fucking Gale.
"Don't know when I've been so blue
Don't know what's come over you
You're a fucking beast and I'm
Going to make your brown eyes RED"
and out the blokes eye came RIGHT OUT! The shrieking was awful. I hope I never hear Space sing again, he murdered that song for me. Oh yeah anyway, the eye was on the floor looking like a hard boiled egg, pupil going this way and that. Swear down! Then Space squashed it with his boot and it just popped. Guess it was like a soft boiled egg really.
RESPECT!
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Coops
Normally a fine judge of character, on getting entrance to the Vulnerable Persons Wing Coops recognised piss bed SIMON as the twat who had ripped him off on a massive drug deal when they were both"on the out" leaving Coops to deal with the furious Romanian suppliers
So he took the opportunity to have his revenge for the major shit fest piss bed SIMON had dropped him into last year.
All very commendable behaviour but Coops missed the real prize and the main chance of boosting his reputation.
5709
Sick twat CARL rang alarm bells for 5709, but he was fooled by Sick twat CARL's churchy attitude, like so many others before.
5709 knew the beast LEE was a wrong 'un and a crafty cunt to boot but overthought matters and so, sadly, 5709 missed his true moment of glory.
5709 was fooled by ex-copper rapist IAN and his duplicitous mask of normality. Again 5709, you do know that monsters and beasts are skilled in dissembling, please watch out for this in the future.
5709 correctly read the snitch Martin as being a low level criminal; but allowed his dislike for sufferers of budgie syndrome [a disease that causes the sufferers, who are found in every gym, to pose and parade up and down in front of full-length mirrors, preening and chirping at their own reflection] to override his Criminal Anthropology training and he shanked the pathetic sop that was piss bed SIMON.
LATEX ZEBRA
His gut instincts pointed him towards ex-copper rapist IAN and the beast LEE.
Regretfully, he listened to his head and missed shanking the real monsters available to him.
Quote:
| Overheard in the Allotment at the back of the tool shed
So Latex Zebra had a knife from the kitchen and somehow got into the Pedo ward. Jobe knew he'd come for him and got up backing away, waving his paws about but Latex said "Get over here" like he was Scorpion in Mortal Kombat.
Jobe gives it a go and he actually put a few slaps to Latex, dancing around him like Muhammed Ali but Latex just rolled with them, then suddenly grabs Jobe's right hand, quick as you like, slams it on the table and pins the fucking thing down with his blade.
"Let's see you dance around now you fucking beast" Latex said and proceeded to beat the granny out of Jobe. It was funny as fuck.
RESPECT!
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pieman
The sight of so many monsters nearly tipped pieman over the edge, but he restrained himself and kept his eye firmly on the ball.
THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT
Immediately, on sight knew that Sick twat CARL, was rotten to the core and deserving of anybodies shiv, pieman has demonstrated time and time again how sensitive his nonce radar is.
Yet he doesn't always act on it...
Once again, pieman's uncanny instinct and natural Criminal Anthropologist ability was correct and he intuited that the dickhead JOBE was a complete cretin and almost as an afterthought robbed him of all he valued in life and sent him on his way.
Just by looking at the beast LEE pieman discerned that this was not a man and never could be a man. Excellent work by pieman in the field under pressure.
Ex-copper rapist IAN who incidentally played a fucking blinder in this scenario to be fair to the horrid, evil bastard was still rumbled by pieman as a monster. That said, he was still able to conceal the full extent of his depravity from even the eagle eyes of pieman.
pieman correctly ignored the snitch MARTIN and piss bed SIMON as being non entities in his campaign to become the Napoleon of Crime.
Quote:
| Overheard in the Dinner queue at the Food Hall
Pieman, you know that new guy, yeah he's been down the gym spotting and that fair play to him, well he just strolls into V.P. all casual like with a big fuck off carving knife.
All the beasts freeze and just sit there looking at him.
"Nobody fucking move!" he shouted.
He then goes over to each one of them, taking his time, staring at them like he was reading their minds or something.
Nah bruv, none of them moved.
Then, and I reckon he'd been saving him till last on purpose, he gets to sick twat CARL, and doesn't say a word just starts stabbing him. Over and over. Singing the whole time.
That Australian bird from Neighbours
"It's in your eyes
I can tell what your thinking
I know what you've done too
It's no surprise
I've been watching you lately
I want to fucking shank you
Death has a funny way
When it comes and takes all your cares away
I can't think of a single thing
Other than what a beautiful state I'm in
Is the world still spinning around
I don't feel like coming down"
He was actually fucking amazing at it. What?! No, dickhead, his singing was shite for fucks sake.
RESPECT!
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Voodoobass
Well. The winner of this week's mission. However, Voodoobass is still a NEWFAG and allowed his emotions to rule his head. He hadn't earned the TERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE ability this early on in the simulation, and stayed too fucking long on the wing, gloating in the fear he caused the nonces and shanking anything that moved. He allowed himself to be captured by the authorities red handed, in fact just fucking red all over.
Quote:
| Discussion in the Staff Canteen
That new intake Voodoobass somehow got onto the V.P. wing with a sharp. The mad fucker just went postal, honest to god roaring and snorting like a bull in a china shop.
The V.P.'s didn't stand a chance. He carved up Clarke - yes the ex-copper rapist whose dad is the Assistant Chief Constable for Warwickshire or some bumfuck nowhere in the midlands. He's going radio rental about it, reckons one of us must have tipped the perp the wink about his sick fuck of a son. If it was my lad I'd pay someone to take him out you know.
The alarms went off of course, but it was a shift changeover and the lads were a bit slow getting in and Voodoobass took out that wanker who pissed through that poor cow's letter box. Fuck knows why he went for him, she must have been his bird or his sister I suppose. Yeah, don't look for sense where there's none.
Then our lads come in all suited and booted and took him out. Five of them it took and he still managed to cut up Tomkins #357. Yeah, poor sod had got two months left before retiring. You bet they gave Voodoobass a fucking good pounding then shot him full of thorazine.
Governor kicked the case straight upstairs, saying the perp was beyond the scope of the justice system and should be transferred to the Board of Control for Lunacy and Mental Deficiency.
Sure enough, four hours later there was a Broadmoor taxi for Voodoobass.
RESPECT!
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Please click HERE to see how their actions have influenced the respect our convicts now enjoy, you can also find out who is the current TOP DOG and who is yapping at their heels, and just exactly who is the fucking poodle.
The game is on!
Please join us again for the next episode of:
KING CON
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| 10-08-2018 00:39 AM |
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Guile
A magnificent animal of a man
Registered: Sep 2001
Posts: 2659 - Threads: 68
Location: A wretched hive of scum and villainy
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[Edited by Guile on 13-08-2018 10:29 AM] Special RESPECT Bonus Unlocked: MAKING THE HEADLINES
Quote:
| Everyone is talking about Voodoobass, he's in the papers
"The fucking papers always come late on this dump. Hang on! Look at this!"
"HAHAHAHA! It's that mad bastard what stabbed up the screw and those nonces!"
RESPECT!
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| 13-08-2018 10:28 AM |
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