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Private1

Registered: Aug 2002
Posts: 40860 - Threads: 1194
Location: London

Top 10 jokes from this years Fringe


The top 10 were:

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

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Old Post21-08-2013 07:13 AM
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Funboy Hashtag Yoloswaggins
''Nice one Trev...''

Registered: Jun 2004
Posts: 33847 - Threads: 1355
Location: beside the seaside

Quote:
Private1 wrote on 05-07-2013 11:11 AM

Q. Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

A. Because she’s a woman.




Laughs out loud Laughs out loud

-

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.

"Long day?" the bartender asks.

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.


[Pitch Bend Digital | Inertia Digital] [pitch.bend@live.com | inertia-digital@hotmail.com]

Inertia Digital Music on Myspace / Trevor Dans Music on Soundcloud

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Old Post21-08-2013 12:48 PM
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Funboy Hashtag Yoloswaggins
''Nice one Trev...''

Registered: Jun 2004
Posts: 33847 - Threads: 1355
Location: beside the seaside

What does an Eagle and a Mole have in common?

They both live underground. Apart from the Eagle.


[Pitch Bend Digital | Inertia Digital] [pitch.bend@live.com | inertia-digital@hotmail.com]

Inertia Digital Music on Myspace / Trevor Dans Music on Soundcloud

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Old Post21-08-2013 12:53 PM
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B.S.E
Taking over the world one grain of sand at a time

Registered: Oct 2002
Posts: 17894 - Threads: 282
Location: Spreading...



Poll Winner!
2016
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DJ

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

<please insert witty comment here>

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Old Post21-08-2013 12:59 PM
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Funboy Hashtag Yoloswaggins
''Nice one Trev...''

Registered: Jun 2004
Posts: 33847 - Threads: 1355
Location: beside the seaside

Quote:
B.S.E wrote on 21-08-2013 01:59 PM

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.



what's worse than the holocaust?

Finding 2 worms in your apple


[Pitch Bend Digital | Inertia Digital] [pitch.bend@live.com | inertia-digital@hotmail.com]

Inertia Digital Music on Myspace / Trevor Dans Music on Soundcloud

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Old Post21-08-2013 13:12 PM
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Janie Mac
a hound.....

Registered: Oct 2002
Posts: 15055 - Threads: 202
Location: Glesgae

Quote:
B.S.E wrote on 21-08-2013 01:59 PM

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.



Hahaha I actually spat my drink out then.

Not at the holocaust (before I get called names)

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Old Post21-08-2013 13:14 PM
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Private1

Registered: Aug 2002
Posts: 40860 - Threads: 1194
Location: London

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat on the shores of a pond near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fscking think so.

#######################################################
#######################################################

My name is Mr ..Anonymous....here's my story...

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at
all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd
ever had a Sportsman's Double?

"What's that?" I asked
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No" - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake?"

#######################################################
#######################################################

China has really impressed me during this olympics

They use the same person for every event

#######################################################
#######################################################

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney is asked if he'd ever go down on one knee again. He replies, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

#######################################################
#######################################################

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and looking at 100 angry natives...
The voice booms out again, "Okay....NOW you're screwed."


Shrek: A story about an ogre finding his one true love and dragging her down to his level.

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Old Post25-02-2014 13:38 PM
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Private1

Registered: Aug 2002
Posts: 40860 - Threads: 1194
Location: London

What do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a tunnel.

#######################################################
#######################################################

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

#######################################################
#######################################################

Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.


#######################################################
#######################################################

I Was sitting in the train, next to a hot Thai chick. I kept thinking, "Don't get an erection. Don't get an erection..."

But she did.

#######################################################
#######################################################

When You Are Down and Feeling Powerless, just remember this;

A Single Pubic Hair of yours can shut down an entire restaurant.


Shrek: A story about an ogre finding his one true love and dragging her down to his level.

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Old Post26-02-2014 14:01 PM
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kerb

Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 24336 - Threads: 1616
Location:

tldr
fuck it

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Old Post26-02-2014 14:35 PM
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Private1

Registered: Aug 2002
Posts: 40860 - Threads: 1194
Location: London

Quote:
kerb wrote on 26-02-2014 02:35 PM

tldr
f**k it



Feel free to post up better jokes. Smile

Shrek: A story about an ogre finding his one true love and dragging her down to his level.

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Old Post27-02-2014 14:25 PM
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